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Chapter 14: Let the Healing Begin!
Right up until the day of my divorce I really thought Lana would come back and apologize and make it right again. She didn’t. It was a long hard road uphill that I am honestly still fighting, but I needed to heal and so God provided a way. I had fixed up our house so I could sell it to pay off some of the debt from the club. It sold about a week after the divorce was finalized. While I was at the closing for our house I met a guy that my realtor knew. He went to Grace Community Church which was a little odd because I had helped out up at Grace several years ago when I was a youth pastor.
I asked how everything was going up there and if he knew some of the same people that I did. Sure enough they were still there. I decided to go. I was looking for a new church because everyone at my old church had known Lana and she was all I heard about all the time. I was ready to move on. It was hard to believe I was really single again. Most people would like the idea I suppose, not me. I want someone to come home to, someone to fight for and work for. I want someone to love and someone to love me. It is not good for a man to be alone... that’s a quote from God!
So, I walked in to Grace that Sunday and the pastor was giving a sermon on Psalm 23. He explained that he was taking a week for each verse in this chapter, which I honestly didn’t think was humanly possible. The verse he was on when I got there was “ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” - Psalm 23:4 Boy, did that hit home. I love how God works. He always has an answer to your prayers if you just pay attention and are obedient.
The pastor went on to say that the valley of the shadow of death was a real place. King David wrote this psalm before he was a king, back when he was a shepherd boy. As a shepherd he watched his flock and cared for their needs. In the spring he would let the sheep graze in the lowlands, but after a while they would eat most of the grass and so he would have to take them to higher ground. The only way up to the higher ground was to walk them through a deep valley. It was so deep that light couldn’t reach the floor of the ravine. It was called the valley of the shadow of death. It was a real place.
The pastor said, “Notice that you haven’t taken up residence in the valley, you are going ‘through the valley’. God only let’s bad things happen to you to bring you to higher ground and the only way up is through the valley. The sheep would get anxious while they walked through the valley and so the shepherd would talk with them and he would place his staff on them so that they would know that he was there. The sheep knew that David would watch over them and when they knew David was there it would calm them.” I’m sure I don’t have to explain the object lesson here. God is our shepherd and he is with us, just like David was there with his sheep.
Over the next few weeks he spoke of the rest of the chapter. “ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Psalm 23: 5-6
The object lesson goes on. Before David would let the sheep into the lush pastures in the higher ground he would have to make sure it was safe. He would take his staff and poke around for snake holes. He would pour oil in the snake holes. If he didn’t do this than the adder snakes would bite the faces of the sheep while they were grazing. The adder snakes didn’t like the smell of the oil and so they would stay away from the hole if it had oil on it.
As an added safety precaution he would “anoint” the sheep’s heads with oil. This way the snakes would stay away from the sheep even if David missed some snake holes. There were also nose flies that would go into the sheep’s noses and lay eggs. It would drive the sheep crazy. However the nose flies didn’t like the smell of the oil either. And so David prepared a table before his sheep in the presence of their enemies (the snakes and the nose flies). What a beautiful analogy!
Sheep don’t like to get their noses wet, so David would go to great lengths to keep their water troughs overflowing so they wouldn’t have to dig deep and get their faces wet trying to drink their water. Even though this was more hassle for him he loved his sheep and wanted the best for them and this was just one more way to show it. God was looking out for me in this way as well. He prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies. My cup overflowed. How can I complain when my God goes to such great lengths to make sure I am looked after? How blessed am I? Very!
Needless to say I kept going to church at Grace and I still do. My pastor is always dead on to what I need to hear. It is amazing! I listen intently and take his sermons with me every week. I can quote them to you. I am sure he doesn’t know this about me. I keep meaning to tell him, but the timing just never seems right. Maybe he will read this and know what a difference he has made in my life? We’ll see. What is the moral? You are always being watched, no matter how insignificant and anonymous you may feel.
So, right around this time we had a Christian wrestling group come out to the club and perform. Some guys with a video camera came out and set up some lights and stuff. They filmed the whole thing. They interviewed me because I was the venue owner. I did the interview. I’ve done lots of interviews. Apparently, these guys were doing a documentary on this wrestling group. It looked low budget, but I knew there were still costs so I asked who they worked for. They said they were making it independently and then they hoped to sell it to one of the major TV stations or cable channels. So, I asked if there was enough money in something like that to justify all their costs.
They told me the numbers and River and I had a meeting that night. We were going to make some TV, or movies, or something. We were smart enough and talented enough. But what would we do? We thought realistically and brainstormed. Drama? No. Not us. Sci-fi? No. No budget and we weren’t nerds. We didn’t want to come up with guys like Zarbuk who colonized the fourteenth quadratic moon of Buntrwavx… or whatever. Action? I would love to, but no budget. Porn? Duh, of course not! Comedy! Yeah, now that I can do!
But what would we write about? We brainstormed some more. We were driving through the parking lot at Dreamworld. People at Dreamworld are not exceptionally intelligent and River said why don’t you make a movie about these stupid, stupid people? I liked the thought and so I wrote a movie script entitled “Stupid, Stupid People”. It took eight days for me to write. Is it good? No, it is stupid! That’s the point. But it is freaking’ funny. It is all about this club called Dreamworld that I own and all the stupid things that go on here. Almost everything in the movie has actually happened in some context. I have changed names, a little. I have exaggerated stuff, a lot. It is retarded! I love it!
So, then I bought a camera, a nice one and some editing software, and a better computer. Now I am dangerous. Well more dangerous. You know what I mean. You wouldn’t think making a movie would be that hard. It really isn’t. It is a lot of fun! I love it! All these actors whine about how hard their lives are and I realize now that they are FULL OF CRAP!
Writing is fun. Filming is fun. Acting is fun. Editing is fun. The whole process is just fun. If it isn’t it is because you are not letting yourself just relax and have fun. Enjoy yourself. You are some of the most privileged people on the face of this earth. And now, I am also one of those people. Not like a good one, you know, more like the gimp wannabe. I like it just the same. I feel blessed just getting to be involved at all.
I already told you about my song “ I Will Run With Horses.” When I bought my editing software (Adobe Premiere 6.0) it had a picture on the cover of horses running out of the front of a video camera. I didn’t look twice at it, but my director Shaun said “Look, I Will Run With Horses! You were made for this!” I acted like he was crazy and pretended to blow it off, but inside I felt very special. God had made me for a reason.
I figure everyone gripes about how bad our entertainment is, but they don’t do anything to try to change it. Either pick up your load and do your part or please stop complaining. As for me, I will do my part AND I won’t complain. How’s that? I love people. I love art and music and movies. I love to entertain and to be entertained. I will do it whether or not there is EVER a payoff. I love it! I will run with horses!
A few friends of mine gave me some books to read that they said had helped them. I read them quickly. What else did I have to do? I am a thought thief. As soon as I read something or hear it, I immediately file it as my own thought and never forget it. The things you cling to, the thoughts you choose to think, make up what you are. The principles and object lessons that you apply to your life leave a legacy behind.
Sorry, I got off track. So I read these books. One of them talked about the process of grieving. According to the book, going through a divorce is like losing a loved one. The steps are: shock, denial, anger, depression, and acceptance, and hopefully forgiveness. You have to go through all these to completely heal. Some people never let themselves go through these steps and so they never heal. I went through all of them.
When I first found out about Lana cheating I was definitely in shock. Then I was in denial for a while. I thought everybody must all be wrong about her or maybe this was some sick joke or something. Then I was angry. I am glad I didn’t hurt someone during all that because I could have hurt lots of people without a thought. Fortunately, I have some self-control and I think things through before I act them out.
Then I was depressed... for a long time! I heard it takes one week of grieving for every six months you were together. We were together for a little over 9 years, so that would be 18 weeks of grieving (four and a half months). It was almost exactly that long for me. I wrote a lot of songs about my pain. I didn’t hide it. I was honest with anyone who asked. I think it was very therapeutic for me and hopefully helped some other people out with their pain as well. If other people can’t learn from my mistakes than my pain is a waste.
I made an entire CD... since I owned a recording studio and all. I have written several hundred songs, but this was the first full CD I had recorded. A lot of people seemed to like it and I think God used it to help heal a lot of them. I don’t mind being the first to stand up and say I have been hurt and I have done wrong. Confession is a beautiful thing. Here are some of the words to some of the songs on this CD.
Crushed
I’ve been smitten; I’ve been wronged,
I know more pain then I’ve ever known before,
The wound I carry knows no healing,
The cross I bear is unyielding pain,
I don’t know how I find the strength to make it through the day,
And I don’t know how I hold my head up to fake a smile,
You don’t know the weight of the burden I carry,
You don’t know how it crushes me,
Perhaps you know how it feels to hear the words that smother you,
Perhaps you know how it feels when your heart dies,
When you’d rather be dead than alive,
Nothing matters when you’ve lost everything,
Nothing matters to me,
I forgive you my love,
And I lay down all rights I have,
You are beautiful in my eyes,
Come and join me in eternal life,
May the sun always shine upon you,
May everything you touch be blessed,
I forgive you my love,
And I lay down all rights I have,
You are beautiful in my eyes,
Come and join me in eternal life
Time Well Spent
Lord you know me from head to toe,
You know where I come and when I go,
You know my inmost being and my sin,
Lord I know that you respect no one,
There is no one righteous, no not one,
We all like sheep, we have gone astray,
And when the night makes my head clear,
And I sense that you are very near,
And your honesty it stops all the lies,
Who am I?
Lord I am yours from head to toe,
I am yours wherever I go,
I know that you will never leave,
I know that you, you love me!
Lord sometimes I lose my way,
I think of all the bills I have to pay,
And all the things I have to do,
Instead of love you,
And Lord sometimes I build a shrine,
Because I cannot find the time,
To spend alone with you in prayer,
So I act like I don’t care,
But Lord our time together is sweet,
I shed tears as I’m on my knees,
And just as soon I forget,
Oh Lord, how I long to be home,
With temptation and sin very far gone,
Sometimes this burden crushes me,
I long to be free!
And son, don’t you know I love you, don’t be so hard,
Soon you’ll be home,
And tears of joy stream down my face when I see your faith,
I leap from my throne,
And son, I know it’s hard to walk the extra mile, but you’re love is bold,
And I’ve got such a party waiting for you; it’ll never be through,
Soon you’ll be home,
Soon you’ll be home
Home At Last
My eyes have seen their share of pain, and my hands have worked hard
My feet have walked the extra mile, and my face turned the other cheek
And I have run tirelessly, and my heart is scarred
And my spirit’s humble and I am meek
For my life it is a battlefield, and I have run just like he planned
I stand strong, and I stand bloody, and I stand weak, but I do stand!
For one day I will leave here, this prison I call my home
And I will not look back and I will not cry, but tears of joy... for I am home
You can mock and you can laugh at me, and you can kill me and you can steal
But you cannot take my spirit and my soul you cannot steal
And you cannot take away my dignity and you cannot take me from my home
I do not fear, I will not be afraid, you cannot take what I don’t give
For not one day has escaped me without me begging for it to be my last
That’s right, I said
NOT ONE DAY HAS ESCAPED ME WITHOUT ME BEGGING FOR IT TO BE MY LAST!
I have died, but I’m not alone, for I know God and his son
And I have taken a beating, and I have lost some, but Hallelujah! I have won!
Hallelujah! I’m finally home, Hallelujah! I am free!
Hallelujah! I’m finally home, Hallelujah! I am free!
No more pain and no more tears, no more death I’m finally free!
No more pain and no more tears, no more death I’m finally free!
Hallelujah! I’m finally home, Hallelujah! I am free!
Hallelujah! I’m finally home, Hallelujah! I am free!
I Know Pain, I Know Sorrow
Close your eyes if but for a moment,
I know that you do not have much time,
Two thousand years ago, yes you remember,
God hung clothed in flesh, died for your sins and mine,
He marched as a criminal to Calvary,
Mocked and beaten then we nailed him to the tree,
Are you still blind my child, can you not see?
Your sin nailed him there, but he rose to free,
I know that it has been hard for you lately my child,
I know pain, I know sorrow, I know love,
Even in the valley I’ll be there with you,
I am able to deliver you, so be strong,
God, it feels like I’m in the desert,
Been here forty days and going on forty nights,
The devil’s closing in to devour,
I don’t have much strength; I think I’m going to die,
Wait, a shaft of light! Yes there I see it,
The end is near; the tunnel is not so deep,
There is someone who has been here before me,
He knows the way; yes he has eyes to see,
I know that it has been hard for you lately my child,
I know pain, I know sorrow, I know love,
Even in the valley I’ll be there with you,
I am able to deliver you, so be strong,
Think it not strange when you walk the path of sorrows our Lord has trod,
We all have our share of burdens; we must all carry our cross,
And I bear my share of scars from a battle, how can I sleep?
When it seems like the enemy is closing in we need to get down on our knees,
And I bear no shame when I preach in Jesus’ name
I learned a lot of lessons through my divorce. I learned how much one person could hurt another one by their betrayal. It would have been different if she had been a stranger. I could almost justify it away and say that she didn’t know me. But we had spent countless days together. We knew everything about each other. We had children together. And she went behind my back and betrayed me and went back on her word. It hurt. More than I can ever explain. Then I realized that we do the same thing to God every day.
We come back and apologize and say we are sorry. We cry and beg forgiveness. We make excuses, but we don’t really repent. We don’t really change. I realized how much we break God’s heart every day. I knew the terrible pain of one man from one woman who was unfaithful, but God knows the pain of billions of people that he knows intimately breaking His heart every day!
It made me want to be a better man. It made me want to do my part at least to give joy to the God that gave me everything. I realized that he isn’t impressed with our money or our “sacrifices”. After all we are only giving back what he gave us in the first place. A sacrifice that doesn’t cost you anything is not a sacrifice at all, and let’s face it most of our “sacrifices” cost us nothing.
I realized that all God wants from us is love, companionship, and obedience. That is not hard. He just loves us and wants to spend time with us. Sometimes you know someone loves you, but you just want to hear them say it. Sometimes they say it, but you want them to mean it. Sometimes people’s actions are the exact opposite of what they say and they are blind to it. I wrote this song, because it breaks my heart to see God’s heart broken. I want to be better than that. I want to put it in writing. It’s simple, but powerful and true.
No one Left?
Is there no one left who can see through the eyes of God?
Is there no one left with a heart?
Is there no one with any sense of compassion beyond their own agenda?
Is there no one?
And it must break your heart to see the sin reign in this land
It is hard pressed down and overflowing!
For if I had my way I’d burn this place right to the ground
I’d spare no one, no, not even me!
But thank you, you are beautiful beyond imagination; you are my Lord and king
Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, you’re why I sing
But who will, who will tell them Lord? Here I am! Please send me!
For when I close my eyes for the last time
Oh Hallelujah! It’s you and me
For when I close my eyes for the last time
Oh Hallelujah! It’s you and me (repeat)
This Lonely Heart
One day this lonely heart will beat no more,
Oh what a happy and glorious morn’,
For though my body has met the greatest pain on earth,
And to death I have fallen,
My soul is now with the Lord and I am now in heaven!
My time on earth is over; the veil has been lifted,
The two who were divided now meet,
My Lord and I, we talk face to face,
He says my son was that such a feat?
For we have forever, you are mine and I am yours,
And by the way “Well done with your chores”,
I know it wasn’t easy, but was it really hard?
After all I was with you all the while
The Road To Hell
Today I went and I visited the house. Of Satan,
He knew my name!
This is not the first time,
He knew my inmost desire,
He knew right what I needed and he touched me there again,
I know there is a price to pay,
He’ll feast upon my soul one day,
I don’t think I’m all that bad,
I can leave anytime I want to,
But I kind of like it here,
And where would I go?
I gave away my soul for nothing,
I have got no soul to sell,
I’ll spend forever burning,
I have run the road to hell!
But everyday my fix gets bigger, the rush gets smaller,
The price goes up, and I need it more,
And everyday I wonder a little more why
I came here in the first place
I don’t know why
Oh-oh oh-oh oh
I gave away my soul for nothing,
I have got no soul to sell,
I’ll spend forever burning,
I have run the road to hell!
Lately I’ve noticed that my chain doesn’t seem quite as long,
Lately I’ve noticed that my dose doesn’t seem quite as strong,
And that the hollowness in my heart is full,
And I don’t care about anything anymore,
And I feel that I don’t have too long to go,
I can’t move... I can’t speak... the time is now... he’s come for me!
"Wait, NO! Remember we are friends,
That hurts, that burns, that doesn’t bend!”
I never thought it would come to this, I thought you loved me
You lie, but I believed
I read an interesting book that inspired this song. It comes from Mark 11: 12-26 which says “the next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, ‘May no one ever eat fruit from you again.’ And his disciples heard him say it...
In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Peter remembered and said to Jesus, ‘Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!’
‘Have faith in God,’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, Go throw yourself into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
I had never really thought about the fact that it wasn’t fig season when Jesus cursed this fig tree. It seems unjust that He would curse a tree for not having fruit when it wasn’t even the season for fruit and none of the other trees had fruit either. It then brought up the fact that there has never been, nor will there ever be a season where we as people all follow God and do the right thing. There isn’t a time when everyone will love each other. It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. The question is “Am I doing what I should be doing?” Jesus always calls us to better then the norm. He calls us to rise above, to turn the other cheek, to love our enemies, to walk the extra mile. These things are not normal. Everyone else is not doing them. It is hard. It takes more of a man to turn the other cheek than it does to lash out and retaliate. It takes more of a man to stand up and do the right thing when you know you are standing alone then just to follow the crowd. I realized an incredible lesson and then I wrote this song.
The Fig Tree
On a hill, not alone, surrounded by no fruit on every side,
The season for love may never come,
Don’t want to stand out alone...I will wait
One day my Lord will come for me,
Surely someone will let us know,
They’ve been saying that for years,
Maybe one day I’ll choose to grow...but you first
Oh wait, here he comes for me,
Now there is no time for fruit to grow,
He looks inside this leafy tree, he’s hungry,
But there is no good fruit on this soul...Oh no!
I am the fig tree, the fig tree it is me,
In a world where God’s season never came,
I never let God grow in me,
Bitterness has overcome,
There is nothing good upon me,
So now I die with everyone,
Withered from the root of my tree,
Never to live again,
I am the fig tree, the fig tree it is me,
In a world where God’s season never came,
I never let God grow in me,
So learn a lesson from me,
Stripped of what I thought me to be,
Swiftly run to the light ahead,
Swiftly run to the light ahead
After being single for quite some time, I realized that I didn’t want to be alone. I knew that I had a choice in a spouse. We all do. It wasn’t something I wanted to think about, but if you fail to plan than you plan to fail. So, I thought long and hard about it. Please, don’t think my way is right for everyone. I know myself and I know my weaknesses. I have seen my mistakes and I wanted to not make the same ones again. I know that I am not a type of guy. I am an individual. There is no one else like me. If you cut my life up into pieces everyone would be able to relate to at least something in my life, but I am a strange mix and I know that.
These are the things I wanted in a girl: I didn’t want a drug addict, a drunk, or a smoker. I didn’t want someone with a potty mouth. I didn’t want a girl with kids (Sorry girls, nothing personal. Yes, I know that makes me a hypocrite since I have kids.) I had gotten a vasectomy so that meant the girl had to be OK with not having kids... ever. That isn’t easy to find in a girl. I wanted someone who was trustworthy. I wanted someone who wouldn’t cheat on me.
I wanted someone who loved God, truly. I wanted someone who had experienced some pain, but not so much that she was broken beyond repair. I wanted someone who would love me and appreciate me. I wanted someone I wasn’t embarrassed to have around me in public and who wasn’t embarrassed by me either. I wanted someone who was intelligent, but not irritating. I wanted someone who was fun, but responsible. I just really wanted someone to share my life with so we could enjoy each other’s company. That doesn’t seem so hard does it? HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!
That is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Throw in the fact that I have long hair, a struggling business with mountains of debt, I live in a one bedroom apartment, I drive a crappy truck with no air conditioning, I eat out for every single meal, I have NO FOOD at all in my apartment ever, I am divorced with two kids and child support checks to think about, I am clearly a workaholic, I am overly spiritual, I like 80’s metal music, I play lame acoustic music, I have become a computer nerd, I sleep all day and go out every night of the week, I spend money like water (about $1,000 a day, granted that is mostly business expenses but still), I tell the stupidest jokes in the world, I have no inhibitions at all, I am a thrill seeker, I have no fear, and I have an unhealthy desire to die… and all of the sudden I am asking for the impossible in a girl. You wouldn’t date me, would you? No, I didn’t think so.
Plus, I am old, fat, ugly, stupid, boring, bald, mean, and short. Some people argue with me about that last statement. Probably because I am not old compared to The Grand Canyon. I am not fat compared to a sumo wrestler. I am not ugly compared to a warthog... that is actually debatable. I am not stupid compared to someone who drinks gas on a regular basis. I am not boring compared to watching paint dry for a week or so. I am not bald compared to Dr. Evil’s cat. I am not mean if you compare me to Hitler. And finally, I am not short compared to an ant. Everything is relative I guess. Either way the odds were stacked against me.
I figured I would wait for the right girl instead of just settling for the first girl that said yes. So, I buckled down and got ready to wait... forever! In the meantime I wrote this song to remind me what I was looking for. Every girl that hears it is like “ Oh sing me that song! Who is it about? It is so romantic. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.” In my head I am thinking “it is NOT about YOU Sugar, sorry.” That only sounds mean because it is mean. Remember in my list I said I was mean. That is what I am talking about. Anyway, here is the song:
Beautiful Soul
I am looking for someone, someone with a beautiful soul
But alas, she is rare, like a precious jewel, she eludes me
Her heart it glows, She is somewhere!
And humility clothes her; her beauty shines wherever she goes
But alas, until I find my beautiful soul, until I find my love...I walk alone
And she can hold her head up high, and she knows no shame
For she has paid the price, my Lord knows her name
Her heart it glows, She is somewhere!
And I am proud to walk beside, and I trust her with my heart and soul
But alas, until I find my beautiful soul, until I find my love...I walk alone
So I will save myself, so I will be true
So I’ll be upright, I’ll be the man you’d want from me
My heart it glows, She is somewhere!
And I know that I am nothing, I know I am but a stranger to you
But alas, until I find my beautiful soul, until I find my love...I walk alone
She is somewhere!
She is somewhere!
She is somewhere!
But alas, until I find my beautiful soul, until I find my love...I walk alone
It was so weird to think about being with someone besides my, now, ex-wife. It was surreal to think that I was divorced. I got hit on a lot by girls... and guys (yuck!). At first I was shocked. I got hit on when I was married, but I could just point at my ring and say, “I am married.” Now that I was a club owner I had hot girls hitting on me all the time and I wasn’t married. I was VERY single… and lonely. But even with all that I just wouldn’t date someone that I wouldn’t at least consider marrying. Everyone thought I was crazy. I’m sure I am crazy, but right is right and wrong is wrong no matter how you try to slice it. I just couldn’t bring myself to take advantage of any of these girls.
So many of them were addicts and drunks that it was easy to say no. I was looking for a certain girl that God had prepared for me and I was willing to wait. I got really good at being polite and still saying no. Most of the time if a girl started getting the least bit serious I would just let them get to know me and they would leave on their own. It wasn’t too hard. Most girls wait for the guy to make the first move anyway. When enough time had passed and I hadn’t made a move yet they would just move on.
I became a master at the art of superficial relationships, not just with girls... with everyone! I had to have thirty second conversations with all the people that came out to my club and make them all feel special, but still make time for the other couple hundred people out there that night. I NEVER called anyone, but I answered every call. I NEVER e-mailed anyone, but I answered a hundred or so e-mails a day. I NEVER said we should go out and do Blah Blah Blah, but every night I was out doing something fun and exciting. Underneath it all I was screaming loneliness though. I was hollow and empty. I smiled all the time. I made the best of it, but I was hurting inside.
I put all my free time (and I had lots of it) into making art. I was making “Stupid, Stupid People” which was a blast. I met a lot of people and made a lot of connections. I wrote a second script called “Job”. It is a modern-day story of Job from the Bible, with a “Vanilla Sky- Matrix” type twist in it. I wrote that screenplay in four days. I wrote two other screenplays and have unfinished ideas on SEVERAL more. I am making a cartoon right now. I learned how to do 3-D animation and special effects, which is fun. I learned all types of computer software. I learned everything I could. I love to learn. I started making music videos for bands. I made some connections and got some of them on TV. I got to be in a few commercials and ads. I got in a few movies, which is fun. And I wrote a LOT more songs.
At some point I figured out that I was finally over my divorce and that I had moved on. Lana came back and tried to get back together with me several times, but it was only for the money and security. I told her no. Most people would be happy to watch their ex grovel and beg. I was just irritated by it and I felt sorry for her, but not enough to take her back. There is a point where you can’t go backwards, and she passed that point with me.
I guess I am a jerk. I just don’t want to go through that again. I don’t get to see the kid’s much, which hurts a lot. She lives in another town and our schedules conflict. My kids don’t seem to miss me that much, which I guess, is good. It does break my heart. I know that she is a much better parent than me and so I leave it alone. Plus, I gave her my word that I wouldn’t fight her for the kids. Any time I can see Lily and Ben is a blessing and I cherish it. I won’t say anything bad about her to them. They have to respect their mother. They have to look up to her and love her. I’m sure one day they will figure out what happened, but it won’t be from me.
Over the next year or so I grew a lot. I look back on the songs I wrote and it is very empowering. For example:
I Don't Walk Between The Raindrops
And so there is no confusion, so there is no misquoting of me
I question everything, I have explored all the options, but I believe
That I am not my own, I have seen the other side... and I'm not afraid
So when they burn my body, do not cry for me for I am home
Yes, I am home
And I have no regrets, for my heart is pure before the one that saved my soul
I close my eyes, I drink it in, it's no surprise, I live my life to the full
But I don't walk between the raindrops, I bleed when I fall, and I cry alone
My heart lies where my treasure is, make no mistake.
Take all I have, take all I am, but I'm not gone
For I am home
And when I've fought my last battle, and when the final race has been run
I will sing with the angels, I will fly, I will talk with kings
I will lay my treasures down. I will lay them down with my crowns... along with my chains
But when I gaze upon your face, what I have lived and died for, it all melts away
For I am home
“The Power Of One”
I saw the great men fall and I saw the world fall with them,
I saw them led astray and I saw all of us follow them,
I heard their ears tickled with lies and I saw the sin in our eyes,
I saw the darkness fall; I saw the evil rise,
I stood in agreement with endless compromise,
Is there no man brave enough to stand up to this darkness?
Is there no man who will deliver us from this pain?
Is there no man who’ll risk it all and just fight back for once?
Does anyone want to go home? Are you tired of it all?
Does anyone even know how to get home at all?
So God heard our cry and he called the great men home,
“No thanks we’re too busy, we’ll do it on our own,”
On and on down the chain he went right down to the least of us,
Until a young man heard his call and he stepped out from the crowd,
I hear you calling me; will no man lead us home?
I will stand with you even if I stand alone.
So the crowd stood in awe as they watched the boy walk home alone,
And his path was lit up like the morning sun,
He smiled with dignity, but a tear swelled in his eye,
Will I walk home alone and leave my friends to die?
One by one they followed him, two by two they come,
Until thousands walked beside him, oh the power of one!
Is there no man brave enough to stand up to this darkness?
Is there no man who will deliver us from this pain?
Is there no man who’ll risk it all and just fight back for once?
One by one they followed him, two by two they come,
Until thousands walked beside him, oh the power of one!
Where is this Man Today?
Do you think that I’m a fool? Do you think I’m blind?
Do you really think that I can’t see you?
I know that I am surrounded ten thousand to one,
Does that mean I should turn tail and run from you?
And yes I saw all those beside me flee,
And yes I looked around me, and yes I am alone.
But there are no cowards in heaven and so
I look you dead in the eye and say, “Bring it on!”
And the fight begun
And where is this man today?
And where are the men that fear no man?
And will we run? Or will we fall? Or will we cower?
Or will we finally stand?
And I have waited long enough,
And I have watched from the corner, and I have lived a lie.
But never again I say to you will I stand by and let you win,
Mark my words, I’d rather die!
And the fight went on
And though the lion and the bear roar in my face,
I’ll have you know I will not falter,
And though the vultures circle overhead, and all hope is gone,
They’ve come, they’ve come to watch it.
And though I swim with sharks in rough waters,
And the depths they pull me down, they pull me in,
And though the odds are stacked against me and I’m sure to fall,
I will not fear, I will not yield to sin
And the fight went on
And the fight went on
And the fight went on...
You see God only breaks us down to lift us back up. When I remodeled houses. We took the ugliest parts of the house and gutted them. We ripped them out and we made something new and beautiful. By the time we were done what had been the ugliest parts of the house had become the most beautiful parts of the house. And so it is with God and us. Apparently, I needed to be remodeled and so he let me be torn down so I could be built back better. Thank God that I let Him. Hard times in life can make us better or they can make us bitter. I chose to let them make me better. Thank God that he remodeled my whole house instead of just part of it. He broke me down to nothing, but not without purpose. Even the things that I thought were bad were only for my good.
“And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” -Romans 8:28
If you have a minute read the rest of that chapter. It all applies. In fact, put this book down and stop reading about me. Pick up your Bible and read it instead. That is where the answers are! Believe me, any hope I had, any strength I had, any perseverance I had was only because I was firmly grounded in the Word of God and because I was in it every day.
Let me ask you, how many songs can you sing along to? How many movies can you quote? How many TV shows do you know all the characters and can do their impersonations? How many books have you read? How many hours have you spent studying in your life? Have you actually taken the time to read the whole Bible? Not many have, unfortunately.
Amazing, isn’t it? We cling to the things that matter the least and abandon our only hope. Are we fools? People say you can’t take it with you go so why bother trying. You are right you can’t take SOME things with you like your money, your debt, your house, your things, your car, and your clothes. In heaven I don’t need money because everything is free, and the debt... you can have it if you want. I am happier without it thank you very much. I don’t want my apartment in heaven because I have a mansion waiting for me built by the Master Carpenter. In heaven I don’t need the things I need here or the clothes or the car. You see heaven is better than anything I can imagine. So, no I can’t take the trash from this world with me.
However, all the things that really matter, I CAN take with me. I can take my faith, my love for my fellow man and for God, I can take my dignity, my heart, my soul, my memories, my strength of character. All the things that actually matter. Yes, I can take them with me. Hallelujah!
So why don’t we focus more on the eternal? Do we really not believe? Do we really not think that what we do matters? In James it says that faith without works is dead, just like the body without the soul. If you have ever seen a dead body you know that a body without a soul is worthless. There is nothing there but the memory of someone who is now gone.
Without putting our faith into action our faith is like a corpse, worthless and cold. Is it hard to put our faith into action and step out and be different? Yes, of course. Anything worth having is hard to acquire. Is it impossible? Absolutely not. I am a wretch. I am a fool. I was a drug dealer, a liar, an adulterer, a thief, a cheater, and almost every other bad thing a man can be and yet God made me into something beautiful. You see, the old me has died and I am a new creation. I am perfect in God’s sight. I am NOT a wretch or any of those other things anymore. I have been washed whiter than snow. My sins are as far from me as the east is from the west.
Take the time and read your Bible. Then do something revolutionary and actually apply it to your life! You will not regret it. Whatever it is you are aiming towards you must believe that eventually you will get there, right? Educate yourself while you still have the chance. Look at your course and see where it is you are headed. If you don’t like the direction you are going than turn around and change your course. You can do it! Go with God! I’ll see you on the other side.
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