Chapter 15: Letting Go!

My life is full of object lessons for me to learn from. Hopefully, you can learn from my mistakes and my victories so it won’t all be in vain. I could go on and on and never shut up about all the ways God has revealed Himself to me and blessed me and taught me. You see the beautiful thing about God is that He speaks to each one of us in our own language. Not just English or French, or Chinese, but individually. When God speaks to my heart it is not in some foreign way. He brings to my attention flashes of things I have experienced and then weaves them together into another lesson for me.

A year and a half went by after my divorce. I grew. I learned a lot. I feel like a better, stronger man because of what I went through. I feel blessed beyond explanation. My heart overflows. I don’t even have to try to encourage people, it just happens. If you spend lots of time with God, you don’t have to say anything at all to people. They can see it all over you. There is something different about you. You glow!

All that being said I was still alone. After building an entire new website for 17 hours straight I went home tired one night. It was only midnight and so I wasn’t sleepy tired, just exhausted. No one was awake and there was nothing to do, so I parked and went for a walk down to the park. I prayed there for about an hour or so. It is nothing new. I pray all the time.

In the middle of it all I said to God “ God you know my heart. You know that I want to sell Dreamworld and do movies. You know that I don’t want to be alone. I know that if it is against your will for these things to happen that I could have a ‘For Sale’ sign with flashing neon in front of Dreamworld and there could be 100 able, interested, and rich people right across the street that wouldn’t see the sign because you would blind their eyes to it. On the other hand, if it is your will then there could be only one person on the face of this earth who would be right for Dreamworld and they could live on the far side of the world, but you could bring them to me.

Nevertheless, I don’t want to waste my time chasing my own dreams. I would rather be obedient. I don’t want to get in the way of your will. So, if I am to be single and own Dreamworld for the rest of my days than I will do it with a smile and to the best of my ability. I only want your will. My will is short-sighted and selfish.”

I walked home and felt much better. As I was walking home music was playing on a speaker in front of a business. I walked by at the exact moment that the song said

“Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be
He says, "Bill, I believe this is killing me."
As the smile ran away from his face
"Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place…”

-The Piano Man, Billy Joel

That was so weird, but I am used to weird stuff in my life. It was my name and my story on the first song I heard after praying that prayer. I went to bed. A few hours later my grandfather called me from Connecticut and said “John you are in the New York Times!” I was tired so I didn’t react much, but later it hit me. I had asked God to bring someone from the far side of the world to me and now he had provided a way for them to come to me.

Any other paper in the world would only have limited circulation, but the New York Times is everywhere! Later that day I got an e-mail from the head of A&R at Elektra. He wondered if I had any unsigned bands that he might want to look at. I sent him a list of ten or so bands. River was in two of them, but I didn’t say he was my brother. I put my acoustic project at the bottom of the list, almost as a joke. I didn’t say it was my band. He wrote back and was interested in River’s two bands and my acoustic project! It was very surreal. I sent press packs two different times on his request. We’ll see what happens, but it is very exciting.

Not long after that a girl named Bria came back to Dreamworld. She had been there a few years before and we had gotten along well. She was there when I went through my divorce. When she found out that Lana had been cheating on me, Bria said “ Lana is a fool if she doesn’t realize how lucky she is. She doesn’t deserve you. You are too good for her.” ...or something like that. It was really nice of her whatever it was. She was a smart girl with a good heart. She had a strong will and a real desire for justice. She was smoking a lot of pot at the time, but then one day she just disappeared.

Nobody knew where she went. A lot of rumors floated around about how her parents had put her in rehab somewhere out of the state. I had thought about her a lot. We seemed to have a connection. Then one day, years later, she just showed up out of the blue. She had grown up and she was beautiful! From a distance I didn’t recognize her, but I knew she was beautiful.

As she got closer I said “Bria?” We talked for a little while. She had been in rehab for almost two years and she had been back in Arlington for a few months. She had wanted to come and see me, but she wasn’t supposed to come to Dreamworld. It just so happens that her mother works right under the city manager for Arlington, so her mother thinks I am the devil and that Dreamworld is the poison that has corrupted the souls of the children of our city.

Bria was concerned that I may have relapsed and she didn’t want to deal with the disappointment of that. She wanted to show me that she was sober and that she had made something of her life. She really is a special girl. I was really glad to see her again.

After a while I realized that she was always at Dreamworld, even during the days. I really enjoyed her company and I looked forward to her coming by. She would sit for hours and help me work. I know it had to be boring for her. I asked if there was something she would rather be doing and she said she just enjoyed my company. We started going out to eat, since I eat out EVERY single meal. Then we saw a few movies. Pretty soon we were doing something every day together. I was totally falling in love with her. I knew that she would probably lose interest soon and move on, but she didn’t.

I didn’t want to make a move because there is an age difference and I didn’t want to ruin a great relationship. So we just hung out for about six weeks. After a while she made it clear that she liked me. Actually she made it clear from the beginning, but I am dense. One day it seemed right and so I kissed her, and she kissed me back. And it was beautiful! God answered all my prayers! I don’t want to tell you everything about Bria because then you will want her... and she is mine. So there!

She is beautiful inside and out! She is amazing! She is everything I would want in a girl. She is more than I could have ever asked for. She has a warm, tender heart. She is everything a woman should be. She is hard-working, loving, and intelligent, street smart, humble but confident, she can hold her head up high, she is rare and precious like a jewel. She is trustworthy. I am proud to walk beside her. She has a beautiful soul. She is a light to my life. Her name even means “little light”. One day I am going to marry that girl and I can’t wait and she knows it. We love each other. I wrote her this song recently:

“God Smiled”

Ten thousand prayers, down on my knees,
My lonely heart wept, my soul it pleaded,
A little light prepared for me,
Answered my prayers, all of my dreams came true

God looked down and smiled on me

Words can’t express, I can’t explain.
I am a mess; I am insane...for you!
Beautiful heart, beautiful soul
Perfect girl, I searched the world ...for you!

God looked down and smiled on me

And I would fight for you and I will sing,
And I would die, give anything...for you!
Bold and brave I may be, and fearless too
But I couldn’t ask for more, all of my dreams came true

God looked down and smiled on me

Why is it that when you finally just give up and let go that God gives you the desires of your heart? Because he wants to know that he is more important to you than any of these other things. He wants us to know we can live without them, but we can’t live without Him. I know I can live without them. I can live on nothing. My God watches out for me and provides for me. I am not afraid. So, that is my life in a nutshell so far. This is only the beginning though. I have a lot of adventures ahead of me. You see eternal life starts now. Death is only a door we go through to get to higher ground.

So, however my life plays out here you must know that my faith is NOT shaken. It is encouraged. I am not broken for no reason. I am only broken for my own good to be lifted and built back up better than before. I am blessed beyond words. I may not have an earthly father who has ever been there for me, but my real father is the king of kings!

You see, I am royalty! I am here to learn. I am here to be made better. I am here to help whom I can. I am here to be the hands and feet of my Master. Whether I die tonight or ten thousand years from now I belong to God and to Jesus Christ his son who paid the highest price in the world to save my soul.

So why did someone as boring as me think I was good enough to write an autobiography?

Two reasons:
One. Everyone kept saying you really should write a book about your life. So, to all of you who said that here it is. You asked for it.

Two. God doesn’t light a candle to hide it under a bushel. He doesn’t put a city on a hill to be hidden. And he doesn’t do miracles in our life so that we will shut up about it. Miracles are meant to be told and my life is a huge string of miracles. I wish I had the time to tell them all to you.

If you look around you will see God’s signature on EVERYTHING! From the least to the greatest. If you just look he is there, smiling down on you. You see, God loves you! That is what I am trying to tell you. I’m not blessed because I have a lot of cool things or a club or a recording studio. I am not blessed because I can make movies or write or act or sing or play the guitar. These things are all nice too, but the reason I am blessed is because I am not alone. The one who walks beside me knows the way home. He made this place and he loves me. That is why I am blessed! Sit in the stillness and you will see that He loves you as well. Do you believe that?

This is my most recent song. It is simple, but true and gorgeous.

“I’m Coming Home!”

I’m coming home; I’m coming home,

One day this heart will beat no more,
One day I will give my last breath to the Lord,
One day I will close my eyes forever… to this world,
Do not cry for me; do not cry for me,
I am not afraid,

I’m coming home, I’m coming home!

So when they lie about me,
And when they crucify me,
And when they disgrace my very name,
Do not cry for me; do not cry for me,
I am not afraid,

I’m coming home, I’m coming home!

And when I walk in that door
There will be no introductions,
They know my name,
They know my deeds,
They know who I am,

I’m coming home, I’m coming home!

And when the wind whispers softly
And gently brushes your skin,
And when the air in the stillness
Seems to sing to you from within,
I am there with you, and I love you, and I love you
...And I love you!


I don’t want you to read this book and think John Tunnell is anything special. I want you to read this book and know that YOU are special! If I can do it so can you. You can do anything you set your mind to. We can push a few buttons on a cell phone and talk to anyone on the planet in real time because someone believed it could be done and they didn’t stop trying until it was done. We can take the beating heart out of a man and replace it with the heart of a dead man and he can live. Why? Because someone believed it could be done and didn’t give up until it was done. We have done amazing things because someone believed it could be done and didn’t give up until it was so!

If you measure what we eat, drive, live in, and how we communicate we have grown exponentially over the last several years. If you measure the way we treat each other or our faith we are going at a snail’s pace at best. I am not satisfied with that. Not on my watch. Not without a fight. We are better than that. Try reading the Bible and then apply it to your life. Try turning the other cheek, walking the extra mile, loving your enemies. Spread your wings and fly for once. Run with horses. Fly with angels!

One day I will have to give an account for my life. One day I will have to stand not only before God, but also before all of you. I will have to stand next to Peter and Paul and John and Steven and all the disciples and all the martyrs that gave their lives. I will stand next to saints who were torn in two, who were fed to the lions, who were tortured for their faith. I will stand in the midst of prophets and apostles. What will my excuse be? I was too tired or lazy or busy or afraid to speak? NO! There is no excuse to give that is adequate. I want to live without excuses. I want to live a righteous life. You will be thankful if you do the same.

And finally I want to thank all of you. This book is more about you than it is about me. I am merely a collage of what I have learned from all of you. I don’t have a single original thought. If there is anything good in me, it has come from you.

I would write acknowledgements, but that has been what this whole book is. I wanted to acknowledge all of you that lifted my spirits, that challenged me, that prayed for me, that kept me in line. I wanted to thank all of you countless kind individuals who haven’t yet been thanked by me. Thank you for seeing potential in wretch like me.

I was not worth it, but thank you anyway. You have meant the world to me. You give me wings to fly and a voice to speak. You have given me a heart of flesh, instead of a heart of stone. If I were to die tonight I would be completely content with my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. One thousand times thank you. You will never know what a difference you made to me. I am in your debt forever.

- John Tunnell