Chapter 4: The Spirit is Willing, but the Flesh is Weak

Nothing was ever the same for me after that night. Everything was different. I told everyone I knew about how God had saved me from hell. Almost nobody cared. I slowed down on the drug use, but I was still using pretty heavily. I had flashbacks everyday. They were a lot worse when I got high. I had nightmares every night, bad ones. In my dreams I was always fighting demons and darkness. I was always running and afraid. The things I saw were horrifying. I felt like my eyes were bleeding all the time. I couldn’t look in the mirror because I was afraid of what I saw. My mind was a mess. It was a sewer of filthy, sinful thoughts and deeds that haunted me every day.

My friends finally wore me down and so I did acid again. It was only one hit of white blotter, but it was a one way ticket right back to hell. I had to lock myself in my bedroom so that I wouldn’t hurt myself or someone else. I thought I would die for sure that night. I was terrified. As soon as it hit me I knew I had messed up in a big way. I cried out to God again, but this time there was no easy way out. The things that happened to me that night were hard to suffer through.

The most memorable moment was when I saw God come down to me. He was beautiful. He was sparkling and full of colors. He flew down to me with his long flowing beard. He flew right into my face, looked me in the eye, and said, “Now, I have to teach you a lesson!” And then he flew away just as quickly as he came. His colors and his sparkle and his beauty left a trail behind him, but then it started to fade and fall. It turned to ash and fell on me. I looked around me and I was waist deep in raw sewage! I cried out! I begged for mercy, but there was none to be found. I had broken my promise! I had lied to God! And now I had to pay the price! I somehow made it through the night. I never did acid again and I never want to.

My mother had transferred to North Carolina. Since I was a runaway and a dropout I hadn’t told her where I was. I could have lost touch with my family completely, but fortunately River gave me her number and address right before they moved.

At some point I made the decision to stop doing drugs. I called my mother and told her that I had quit. The truth is that I had just gotten high (I was probably high at the time actually), but I had made the decision to quit and so for whatever reason I told her. I thought it would make her happy, but I didn’t realize it would make her that happy. As soon as the words left my lips I knew I had made a mistake. I wasn’t really all that serious. It just sounded good at the time. She was ecstatic! Normally, it wouldn’t bother me to lie to my mother or anyone else for that matter, but it really bothered me. Somewhere in all this I had started to get a conscience back. She hung up, and I got high again...for the last time. I felt so bad that I had lied to my mother and I had lied to God. I knew that I didn’t have many more chances so I quit right then and there.

Somehow I justified the fact that I still sold drugs, because I wasn’t using them. After all it was how I made my living. So, I kept selling drugs for another month or so. Because I wasn’t high all the time I decided to clean the filthy mess that we all called home. It was disgusting! We would have groups of people sharing needles in the living room. When they were done with the needles they would throw them at the walls. Blood would drip out of the needles down the walls. There were gallon milk jugs full of dip spit, cigarette butts, needles, lougies, and every other vile thing you can imagine! You had to actually wade through this place. Nobody ever cleaned and it had been a nonstop party for months. So I cleaned and I cleaned and I cleaned. As I was cleaning I found a small Gideon Bible in Jane’s army jacket. I picked it up and something amazing happened. Whatever I had been thinking about just a moment before was exactly what was on the pages as I read the Bible. I read for a while and finally put it down.

Later, I found it again and the same thing happened. I always thought that the bible was boring useless information for people who were afraid to do anything fun. But, when I picked it up and read it all the answers to life seemed to be in there. I couldn’t put it down. I read the whole New Testament and Psalms and Proverbs. I couldn’t shut up about what I was reading. It turns out that one of the guys who was living with us, Lee, knew quite a bit about the Bible. I talked to him a lot about the book of Revelation. He showed me how a lot of the prophesies had already come true. I was amazed. So I shared everything I heard with all my friends. More amazing than the prophecies coming true was the fact that most of my friends already knew about them and still chose to live the way that they did. Most of them knew a lot more than I did! How can you know better and still choose to do wrong? It didn’t make any sense to me at all!

I started to question everything I was doing. By this time our trailer was a sin circus. We had junkies living with us. Everyone was on speed and all of us had done crack several times. We started to turn on each other. There was a baby in the house who everyone regularly got high just so he would shut up. We got our dog high all the time too. We had so much stolen stuff in the house it was ridiculous. Duke, another roommate of ours was trading drugs for sex all the time. It was a mess, and for the first time I saw it for what it was. There comes a point in your life where you stop and look back and you say to yourself “What have I become?” Nobody ever says “ I want to be a junkie when I grow up.” It sneaks up on you. The devil will take you from the whitest white through all the shades of gray so slowly that you don’t even notice that you are in the darkest blackness by the end of the whole thing.

Russell and Duke were getting out of control so Lee and Jane and I decided to kick them out of the trailer since it was in Jane’s name. They refused to leave; so one night when they were out we put all their stuff out on the porch with a note on it. They didn’t like that at all! They smashed Lee’s car beyond recognition while we watched from inside. They popped all his tires and broke all the glass and dented everything that could be dented. Lee loved his car. He had gotten it because of a medical injury. Then they kicked the front door in. Russell stood up on our coffee table, stomped on my bible, and shoved a sawed off shotgun in my face (some junkie had stolen a police riot shotgun from a cop and sawed off the end of it. He traded it to us for dope.)

Russell almost killed me that night. They took everything in the house. They vandalized everything in the house. When they finally left we called 911. The cops wouldn’t do anything at all to help us. Russell and Duke came back six times and did the same thing. We called 911 every time. The fastest the cops ever got there was six hours, most of the time they never came at all. We told them where Russell and Duke were staying, their names, what had happened, and any other details that they would need to take care of the situation. The cops wouldn’t do anything; even with a baby there they wouldn’t do anything to help. I’m sure they knew who and what we were. I’m sure they thought they were going to let the scum kill itself or some self-righteous thing like that. I said it then and I say the same thing today, “The cops are the scum!” I don’t have anything good to say about cops. They have never helped me when I needed it and they have always treated me like a criminal. They will get no lip service or respect from me.

Well, since the cops wouldn’t help us, Jeff stole his dad’s gun. One day we were driving when Russell and Duke pulled up behind us. I got the gun out, loaded it, and got ready to kill them both. We pulled over. By the grace of God, they drove on. I never killed anyone, but that day I would have killed my best friends. I am so thankful that they didn’t stop.

Shortly after that I was staying the night at Jeff’s house. He passed out around eleven or so, but I had quit doing drugs and drinking so I was still ready to stay up until dawn. I remember feeling like I was literally in heaven because Jeff had a clean shower and real food at his house. Oh, it was so wonderful! Jeff had a little brother who was my age named Damion. Damion was a Christian and I had always made fun of him for it. I made fun of all the church kids. Someone had a shirt that said “Love God, Hate Sin”. I used to mix it up and say “Love Sin, Hate God”. I was always really mean to Damion. He didn’t do anything that the cool people did. He was a virgin who didn’t smoke, drink, cuss, or do drugs. And I let him know how stupid he was for all that.

So, anyway Jeff had passed out in the other room and I was bored. I went out to the living room and there was Damion watching the Prayer Channel at eleven o’ clock on a Friday night. All I could think was “man, you are the nerd that the nerds make fun of. You have got to be the biggest loser there is.” But I was so bored that I sat down on the floor and watched it too.

The pastor on this show might as well have been talking to me. He called out my life and didn’t miss a note. He preached on the book of Revelation and spoke of how I needed to repent while there was still time. Then he said “if anyone listening right now needs something from God than pray with me right now.” I wanted so badly to pray with that pastor that night. I wanted so badly to have God hear my voice and for him to heal me, but I didn’t know how to pray. And I knew that I was worthless. I knew that I had nothing to give to God. I could tell you all about the depths of hell, but I couldn’t think of one good thing. NOT EVEN ONE!

I was lost and there was absolutely no hope for me at all. I had escaped hell once, but let’s face it... I would go back, eventually. That was where I belonged. That was what I deserved and it was all I knew. Oh, how I wished that I could be good, that I could somehow make up for all the rottenness and evil in me. But, I knew I couldn’t ever do enough good to ever make up for all the bad things I had done. I was broken-hearted. I started crying. I didn’t make a scene or anything, I just quietly cried. The show ended and I think Damion figured out that I had been crying.

He asked me what was wrong. I thought, “Ok, here it comes. He is going to kick me while I’m down. All those times I have been mean to him are about to come back to me. I guess I deserve it. Just take it like a man, John.” Something amazing happened. I looked and it seemed like Damion actually cared what about was wrong with me. How could he? After the way I had treated him, how could he want to do anything but hurt me? I was touched, truly touched.

He asked what was the matter and I told him that I was trying to get my life cleaned up, but I didn’t think I could ever make up for all the bad things I had done. He opened up his Bible and showed me all kinds of things. He told me that I was right about not being able to make up for the evil I had done. I never could. So, Jesus came down and paid the price for me. He made it right, because I couldn’t. He took my punishment, just because he loved me...and he would have done it if I was the only person who needed saving! I told him that he didn’t understand. I was a lot worse than the average person. He told me about the people whom Jesus chose to be his disciples: the tax collectors, the thieves, the prostitutes, the drunks, and the sinners. He came to heal that which was broken, and I fell into that category in the worst way.

Then he asked me what I thought heaven was like. I had never really given it any thought. I figured it was boring and empty. That there were angels floating around singing lame music and playing harps and stuff. That was about it. I guess they did good stuff, since really good people went there. I don’t know. I can tell you about hell, if you want to know. He listened to me ramble for a while. Then, he opened up Revelation: Chapter 21 and 22 and read to me.

“ Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying ‘Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people and he will be their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” It goes on to talk about streets made of gold so pure that it is like transparent glass. It talks of walls of jewels and precious stones of every kind. It speaks of gates made of pearls. It talks of absolute perfection, but a few things are enough for me: No more tears or pain or death and we will see God face to face. That is enough for me. If heaven is a dumpster with no more pain, no more tears, no more death, and no more sorrow than sign me up. The fact that it is so much more is only a bonus for me.

But then Damion showed me other scriptures that said “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, nor has it even entered into the mind of man what God has in store for those that love him.” So Damion asked me what the most beautiful things I had seen and heard and imagined were. I listed a few things and then it dawned on me it is nothing compared to heaven! And then I saw the beauty of it all for the first time. Heaven wasn’t a boring, drab place. It was everything you could ever imagine imagining and more! I was excited for a minute and then I remembered that heaven was a place that I could never, ever hope to be. I wanted it more than you could imagine, but I knew I wasn’t good enough. I shouldn’t even hope for such a thing.

Damion, talked to me for a long time and finally he asked if I wanted to pray. I wanted to so badly, but I told him I didn’t know how. He said just to repeat after him, so I did. “Jesus, I know that I am a sinner. I know that you paid the price for my sins. Please forgive me. I believe in you.” I’m sure it was a disgrace of a prayer from a disgrace of a person if you were to ask any “church person”, but it was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me! Once again God met me where I was! I know he heard my prayer and I know he forgave me, even though I didn’t know why he would. I was never the same again. Everyone I knew said that I was the biggest “night and day conversion” that they had ever seen. I don’t think I ever talked to Damion again. I don’t think he ever knew what a difference he made in my life. Thank you so much for letting Christ shine through you, Damion Patino! You have no idea what you did for me. You changed my life and gave me hope when I had none. Thank you!

So, I was talking so much about the Bible all the time that Lee invited me to his parent’s church. I thought that lightning would strike me if I got near a church, so I told him no. He tried all kinds of ways to persuade me, but I had a great excuse every time. Until he told me they were having a barbeque...a FREE BBQ! It had been such a long time since I had had any real food that I couldn’t say no. So, we went.

It was a long drive. I don’t even know where we went. We drove with the T-Tops down the whole way there. We showed up 45 minutes late, I was wearing an Iron Maiden T-shirt, I had long hair that was a mess from the wind, I was barefoot, I didn’t know anyone, I was strung-out looking, and Lee started walking in the church. I stopped him and said, “Have you looked at us? We can’t go in there!” He insisted that we had come all this way and we weren’t going to stop now, so we went in. I thought we could just slip in the back unnoticed and then eat afterwards. Well, there were only about 10 pews in the whole church and when we opened the door everyone knew. They all turned around and looked at us, and I thought, “Here it comes.”

There was an awkward pause for a moment and then the pastor stopped everything. He waved us to the front and welcomed us in. With a smile he said “Come in, have a seat. Let me tell you what we have been talking about today.” I was like, “Well, ok.” So, he rewinds and briefs us on his entire sermon. He talked about Revelation as well. He also asked if anyone wanted to pray and ask God for something. He told a story about a boy in their town. He said, “ I had a boy come into church who I knew was a trouble-maker. I hadn’t seen him in church for a long time, but I figured he would be back next week when I had planned on giving a sermon spelling out the salvation message. I would tell him then. I let the boy go without the message I should have told him. That week they found him dead in a stock tank. I will never again pass up an opportunity to share the gospel. NOW is the appointed time! Today is the day of salvation!”

I wanted to go up and pray so bad it hurt, but I had a lot of marks against me so I stayed in my seat. Lee kept elbowing me and finally I got the courage to stand up and take a step forward. The pastor asked me “What can I do for you young man?” I said, “Well, I think I want to be baptized.” He asked why and I started crying uncontrollably and said, “Because I’m a sinner.” We prayed. When we were done he turned me around to the congregation and he said “All the angels in heaven rejoice when even one sinner comes to repentance and I can hear them rejoicing for John today! Come up here and welcome him into the family of God.”

They lined up single file and one by one hugged me and shook my hand and gave me some words of encouragement. I had never seen anything like it! Were they blind? Did they not see the miserable wretch that stood before them? I wasn’t something to rejoice over, I was something to run from. But for whatever reason they just loved me, and that was that. And then they fed me. It was delicious! There was a trampoline there. I got to jump on it. I love trampolines!

Later that day I talked to Lee’s mother. She had a tumor in her eye that was making her go blind and was going to kill her soon. She wasn’t afraid or bitter or anything. She truly had hope. I could see it in her. She had no fear at all. She wasn’t afraid to die, and she didn’t feel cheated about losing her sight. She inspired me. I had never seen that before in my life. Never!

We arranged for me to be baptized the next Sunday. My mother flew down from North Carolina to watch me get baptized and so did the rest of my family. It was in a small stock tank, which is like a small lake. There were stickers all over the place and it looked like there could be snakes in the water, but I didn’t care one bit. I got in the water with the pastor and his helper. I felt dirty with sin. He said “John Tunnell, I now baptize you in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.” He dipped me in the water and when I came out of the water I felt like the sin stayed in the water, but I left. I felt clean for the first time in my life. On July 29, 1989 the old me died once and for all, and I became a new creation! Hallelujah!

Everything looked different to me. It was like my eyes had been opened. The world just looked different. It was like being born all over, like being born again! I guess that is why they call us “Born Again Christians.” Mock if you like, but I have never been the same since. I was a wretched hopeless individual, but no more! Now, I was a child of God and I was forgiven! Hallelujah! Do you know what that feels like? It is amazing! If you think acid is hard to describe to someone who has never done it, try explaining the feeling of salvation to someone who has never experienced it. It is like trying to explain colors to a blind man. They have no point of reference. Nothing to compare to that you can describe.

Do you know why we have middle names? It is interesting. Of course thousands of years ago people just had a single name, Adam for example. Everyone knew Adam. After all, there was only one of him. Once there were more people then you had to identify a specific Adam by calling him Adam the blacksmith. Over time that simply became Adam Smith. Since most fathers passed their trade on to their son they just kept the same last name. Women didn’t necessarily have trades so they took their husband’s last name. But middle names didn’t come along until later.
When someone became a Christian, when they met Jesus, they felt so much like different person that their old name didn’t even apply anymore. The old man had died and the new man they had become deserved a new name. So Saul became Paul, Simon became Peter, and so on. This was known as their “Christian” name, and still is to this day. These were really only given to people who had been born again.

However, over time the Catholic Church did what organized religion has done since the beginning. They wanted to cover all their bases so they started baptizing babies when they were born and giving them Christian names straight out of the womb. So, instead of Simon waiting to meet Jesus and then becoming Peter he would just be born Simon Peter whatever his last name was, “Fisherman” maybe.

The point is that when you are truly changed, when you meet Jesus and he saves your soul, when there isn’t a shadow of doubt that he is real and he loves you and he paid the price for you, then it changes everything about you forever! Hallelujah for that! I have been redeemed! I have been saved! To all the people in my life who have mocked in ignorance asking, “what I have been saved from exactly” now you know. I have been saved from myself. I have been saved from sin. I have been saved from death and hell. I have been saved from more than I can ever explain or even know. I don’t understand all the intimate details of the process of digestion, but that doesn’t stop me from eating. I don’t understand all the intimate details of salvation either, but this I do know I was dead and now I am alive! I was blind, but now I see!

If you are called to be a witness in court you don’t have to know everything about the case. You don’t have to decide who is guilty or who is innocent. You don’t even have to be familiar with the law. You simply answer the questions asked of you and tell what you saw and what you heard. So, as a witness for God that is all I am doing is telling you what I saw and what I heard. Could it all have been in my mind or just a coincidence? I suppose if you stretched it, maybe? However, I think what determines a miracle is that you asked and you received... the impossible. But more importantly you just know that God heard you and he answered you. He took the time to hear my cry and to save me, expecting nothing in return. I will never be the same!

We all celebrated my baptism that day. My family was there, some friends, and a lot of strangers. I never went back to that church again. I don’t remember the name of it, the pastor, or even the town it was in. I wish I could remember so I could go back and thank those people for loving a broken boy in trouble. I don’t know if they feel as if they failed because they didn’t keep up with me, but if any of you ever read this I want you to know you gave me enough inspiration to last a lifetime. Thank you!

I felt like I had gone out on my own and found God, or he found me. Either way, I did it alone. That couldn’t have been farther from the truth. That is NEVER the case! If you stagger back home it is only by the grace of God and an awful lot of prayer from people who love you. What a beautiful, beautiful thing! It turns out that my mother had started going to a bible study and had been praying for me for a long time. Not just her, but the whole group. Not just them, as years go by I meet people from my past that tell me how amazed they are that I have changed. Then they tell me how much they used to pray for me. To those of you who feel discouraged about your prayers, don’t be discouraged. God hears... and he answers. In his time, and his timing is perfect. Thank you to all of you who have prayed for me through the years. I hope one day you know what a difference you made in my life.

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